literally had 100 drinks last night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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