I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
