cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
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He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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