Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
