It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
