If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
