either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
