I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The uberlube is also flammable
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
