Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm just crazy horny about you
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
