I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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