I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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