He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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