I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
