I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
