Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
