theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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