Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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