please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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