I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
