i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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