I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
