Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
