it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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