she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
