Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
