My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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