whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
