Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
