Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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