I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
