I faked an abortion last night.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
