i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The power of my boobs compel you
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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