You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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