This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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