2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
