Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
