I just threw up on my dentist
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
as a side note pls kill me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
