you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
