I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
