birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i think i just lost a toe
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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