Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
