dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
