I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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