woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
