The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wear drunk well.
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