smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
