Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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