I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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