Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
