I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ok first of all what the fuck
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