i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
