I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
