Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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