I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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