I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
