bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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